Trigger Warning: This blog post discusses violence and current events regarding war. Read with caution.
Last year, one of our chapter newsletters featured an article about feeling sick due to high workload and stress levels – the “proposal flu.” Stress does have ways of manifesting itself in the body and it’s not always easy to shake. I have a recent example.
Earlier this spring, I could feel my anxiety levels rising. I was hosting a proposal kickoff meeting the morning after Russia invaded Ukraine. It was an 8AM meeting, something I rarely do. My brain needs until at least 9AM to be fully functional. Participants were joking around and talking about an upcoming client golf event. We eventually got on track and accomplished what we needed to for the meeting… but something about their joviality rubbed me the wrong way.
Towards the end of the meeting, I mentioned of Ukraine. I said something along the lines of, “I can’t shake it this morning and just wanted to acknowledge that innocent people are suffering right now.” It caught participants off guard and there was some awkward silence before we eventually ended the call.
Their disregard upset me. They had no idea if I had family or loved ones in Ukraine. No one asked if we had team members in Ukraine, Poland, Russia or Moldova. I ended the call feeling like I had addressed something inappropriate. I mentioned it to my fiancé later and he asked what else participants were supposed to do or say about a war they had no control over.
Maybe the lack of control was giving me anxiety. Cities were being bombed and people were being murdered… and there was nothing I could do about it but read the news and watch live streams on TikTok. I had to go about my day and do the job my company is paying me to do.
But the anxiety wouldn’t go away. It lingered.
I was sad. Suddenly I had trouble falling asleep and was losing hair in the shower. I was having heart palpitations and stomach issues – enough that I went to the ER to make sure I wasn’t having a heart attack or blood clot.
After a few days, I mentioned it to my boss and apologized that my attitude had been poor. I explained that my anxiety was through the roof and that the possibility of impending World War III was making it hard to navigate a couple of particularly challenging proposal deadlines.
I joked that maybe it was generational trauma – my family members were Holocaust survivors.
Instead of laughing along with me, my boss said maybe I was right. Trauma is carried from generation to generation and it influences how we develop. My family’s patterns of mental health and anxiety certainly impacted the way I process my emotions or address sensitive topics. A lot of that is driven by how my family talks (or doesn’t talk) about conflict.
My boss was great. She asked what she could do to help alleviate the workload or find me some proposal support. I reached out to my company’s mental health resources to find a counselor and I started prioritizing taking a walk in the middle of the day rather than working through lunch.
Instead of bottling it, I asked my sister what she thought about generational trauma – and it turns out she’d been feeling the same way. We talked about the types of trauma that don’t go away: sexual assault, discrimination, chronic health conditions, addiction, bankruptcy or poverty, suicide, homelessness… war. Those kinds of trauma change us. They divert whatever path we may have been on and send us in new directions.
Sadly, the war in Ukraine is still raging. I mention it less, but it still weighs on me. Every time I see a photo of bombed hospitals and displaced children or read a story of rape, it makes my stomach churn. I still struggle with how much to talk about these things in a professional work setting – or even if it’s appropriate to talk about them at all.
But these things are reality. And they just don’t happen in far-off countries where we have no influence. They happen in our communities and to the people we work with. To pretend like we’re not human or that bad things don’t happen feels disingenuous. By not talking about it, we just internalize those emotions… and sometimes they manifest in real physical pain or illness.
If you’re struggling with anxiety or trauma, take the steps to heal yourself. Be honest with those in your life, including your co-workers. Maybe others are feeling the same way but didn’t feel like they had a safe space to express themselves. If you need help, resources are available.
More than anything, give yourself some grace. None of us have “life” totally figured out. Try to be thankful for each day you have and to appreciate the good things (and good people) in your life. That’s one thing you can control.
And to the people of Ukraine, to those displaced around the world, in areas of conflict, or in abusive or violent situations: I am so incredibly sorry.
About the Author:
Kati Stutsman is a marketing and creative communications specialist with a background in value-add content development and exceptional client experiences. She is APMP and Shipley certified in proposal management best practices. Kati specializes in designing attractive, easy-to-evaluate proposals and incorporating client-focused strategic messaging to help improve win and capture rates. You can reach her at [email protected].